Today’s blog
Lynn Murphy Mark
A precious visit
This week is my mother’s dream week. Both Jackie and Ted will be in St. Louis over the 4th of July. It is a rare occasion when they are both here at the same time and I am anticipating the time we will spend together. Also, Jackie is bringing the boys. Ted will get to meet his second nephew, Xander, for the first time. My grandmother’s heart is full as well!
The time has to be shared with their dad, and in Jackie’s case, with a bunch of her friends from high school with whom she has kept up. Also, their siblings, Kate and Ed, will be in town and as close as the four of them are, I’m sure they will have time together. When their dad remarried, they became part of a truly blended family and grew up, not with step-siblings, but with genuine sibling love and care for each other.
Before we divorced, we literally wrote our own 50/50 custody plan. At the time, Jackie was in Children’s Hospital with a very unusual condition, so her dad and I spent a lot of time in her room. Because she was so ill, we somehow set our bitterness aside and agreed that sharing their custody would be the best option for them. We both had attorneys and we wanted to be sure that they understood what our plans were for separating, divorcing, and caring for our children.
We both realized that the children did not deserve to be in the middle of our issues with each other. The kids were still very young: Jackie was five and Ted was two. Their dad had to convince me that he was as entitled to half of the time with them as I was. It took me a while to understand how right he was, and to become willing to share their care in equal portions. So, in that room at Children’s Hospital we wrote out a schedule.
We stuck to that schedule honorably for as long as they lived at home. There was a period of several years when their dad was transferred to Austin, Texas. I had the kids during the school year and they spent summers and Christmas in Austin. That was the only time when we did not follow the original schedule.
I won’t say we were completely right in everything we did, but we worked hard at being fair and honest with each other. I won’t say there wasn’t residual anger between us, but we set it aside as much as possible where the kids were concerned. There were times when we adjusted the schedule to accommodate an event, or a weekend away, or a holiday. We attended parent-teacher conferences together. I know that the school the kids attended saw us as the poster family for how to manage a divorce where children were involved.
I remained single for most of their growing up time. If I’m honest, I will admit that there were some very lonely and sad days for me, and that many times I wished I had more time with my children. Even today, all these years later, I grieve the time that I missed with them. That is why their visit this week means so much to me. I still have to share them, but I know that’s what is best for all concerned. I am grateful that their dad’s marriage gave them a great mom and two siblings to grow up with. It doesn’t get much better than that.