Today’s blog
Lynn Murphy Mark
Opsigamy
Word Daily says this means “marriage at an old age”. It does not define old, so I thought that maybe Jan and I had practiced opsigamy in 2014 in New Mexico – the year she turned 70 and I joined the retiree ranks at 65. We invited a few friends to our house, and our minister, Brandon, officiated for us. Now, we have been together since 2005 and had a big commitment ceremony in 2006 and we have considered ourselves married since then. But when New Mexico legalized same sex marriage we decided to exercise our civil right.
We went to a government office and stood in line for a license. The lady behind the desk was as gracious as she could be – declaring that this part of her workday was her favorite. She told us she had been busy issuing licenses to male couples and female couples since the day the law was passed. New Mexico is basically a Blue state, another reason why I love it so much.
Jan and I discussed what to call each other when describing our legal status to others. We decided on “wife” as the most appropriate and definitive, although “spouse” came in second. Somehow, “wife” seems a more transparent word and in our opinion leaves little doubt as to what we mean.
An interesting cultural confusion arose the other day. Jan regularly goes to a nail salon for pedicures. It is run by a Vietnamese couple. Jan prefers that the wife work on her feet. As a diabetic, she has to be very careful with how her feet are treated. After a visit to a Podiatrist, she was advised to keep letting the same person work on her feet because Loan (the nail specialist’s name) was obviously doing a great job. This week I decided to give my feet a treat, so I had a thorough pedicurial episode done by the husband, whose name I do not know.
The couple knows that we come in together sometimes. Since it was just me, Loan asked where my friend was. I told her that Jan would be in soon, and that Jan was my wife in addition to being my friend. Loan was working on a lady’s nails, but she looked up in surprise. She and her husband nodded and smiled and kept working.
Jan went yesterday and came home with pretty red toes. While getting her feet massaged, Loan asked her, “How is your husband?”, apparently referring to me. Jan said every chair in the salon was taken, so there was too big an audience to explain why I am not Jan’s husband, but I am her wife. She said I was fine and decided to wait for a quiet time there to give them a brief same-sex marriage vocabulary lesson.
According to the Council on Foreign Relations, “Thirty-three countries , including the United States, have legalized same sex marriage, and others recognize same sex civil unions. Yet same sex marriage remains banned in many countries and the expansion of broader LGBTQ+ rights has been uneven globally.” Vietnam is an interesting example of limited rights for same sex couples. There appear to be more protections for transgender people, while there is no recognition of same sex unions and same sex couples are not allowed to adopt children.
I don’t know how the owners of our nail salon really feel about our relationship. But they were both graciously quiet when I made the distinction between friendship and marriage. I think it’s sweet that Loan, in her own way, acknowledged our marriage by asking about Jan’s”husband”.