04/12/2022
Lynn Murphy Mark
Today and yesterday. No sunshine. Not a glimmer of blue sky. Only flat, gray clouds from here to everywhere. As I sit at my desk and look outside, even the birds are hiding and the squirrels are nowhere to be seen.
St. Louis winters have plenty of days like this one. That was one reason why I decided to move to New Mexico in 2009 – I had enough of dull sky days. In New Mexico, the sun shines around 300 days a year. St. Louis information says there are 202 days of sunny or partly sunny days. When I do the math, it turns out that New Mexico has three months more of sunny days than St. Louis. That’s a lot more happy days…
Which is the real subject of this blog: Seasonal Affective Disorder, (or SAD if you’re limiting words). My experience with SAD is that it is a definite companion of mine during the Winter months. Compared to an episode of major depression it is, for me, as Bud Light is to Budweiser. Many of the same symptoms exist in an episode of SAD but they are less disabling and of shorter duration. For me, anyway. I would never presume to know how this disorder affects anyone else.
Around the middle of last November a friend asked if I was OK. She said it seemed to her that I was missing my usual positive energy and she was worried about me. When I explained that I was passing through an episode of SAD and would be fine shortly, she understood. I usually try to mask any symptoms, but clearly I fell short. I don’t always recognize it in myself, but invariably one of my buddies will notice and say something kind.
Fatigue. Withdrawal. Trouble focusing. Irritability. Mild anxiety. That’s my constellation of symptoms. By now I know that I can expect at least one bout of them to appear during the winter months in Missouri. Knowing that it won’t last too long gives me hope.
One thing that definitely makes a difference is my daily use of a “happy lamp”. That is literally sunshine in a screen, and I sit in its light ½ hour each day. I don’t need to use it in Santa Fe, but it’s a godsend here in St. Louis. If anyone reading this can relate to the whole deal of SAD, I highly recommend this simple mitigating factor.
Mental illness can take so many different forms in life, and I am grateful there are treatments available. I am also grateful that I have “made friends” with my depression. In many ways it reminds me how much joy exists when I come out from under an episode. I also have a better understanding of suffering and that makes me a more complete human being. It is part of my spiritual journey. I am grateful for all the compassion that exists among my circle of companions. The fact that we travel this road together is a gift from the Universe.