Today’s blog
Lynn Murphy Mark
A precious coin
Richard Rohr writes this today:
“To fight transformative and evolutionary thinking is, for me, to fight the very core concept of faith. I have no certain knowledge of where this life might be fully or finally heading, but I can see what has already been revealed with great clarity—that life and knowledge always build on themselves, are cumulative, and are always moving outward toward ever-greater connection and discovery. There is no stopping this and no returning to a static notion of reality.”
Yesterday I was treated to lunch by Rose and Mary. When they announced this, I was surprised. Their sweet motive soon became clear: I was handed a recovery coin that marks my six years as a member of AlAnon. I have adopted July 4, 2018, as my start date because it is emblematic of the freedom I’ve gained, and it was around the beginning of that July when I finally decided that Rose was right. She had been urging me to join AlAnon for years, recognizing that growing up in an alcoholic household has such long term negative effects. I resisted, even though I knew on some level that she was right.
I went into it quite defensive of the way my life was being lived. After all, while the very first Step says that my life was unmanageable and that I am powerless over my drug of choice, I believed I was managing just fine. Looking back, I saw a successful and productive career as a nurse. I am proud of my children and the wonderful adults they have become. I had developed a new line of work in my retirement years, one that I enjoy and cherish. I’m in a long term relationship. I thought all of that was enough, and that I could sit back on my laurels and cruise through my 70’s and hopefully my 80’s.
Rose took me to my first meeting called a “double winners” group. I didn’t understand at first that there were recovering alcoholics as well as AlAnon members. I finally got it when a person shared that AlAnon is “graduate school for addicts.” After all, if we have overcome our destructive use of a particular substance, we need to take a careful look at our relationships. By doing so we can clean up our mistakes of the past and learn how to live as a valuable member of the human race. We can learn how to speak our truth in a clear and concise manner, and how to live well with the obligations that we all have.
I heard story after story about how this 12 Step program is life altering. I quickly got a sponsor. She has been a treasure to me, always available for conversation and support. As a result of our relationship I have learned how to be a much better communicator. Where before I used to sit on my feelings and let them simmer until they caused an uncomfortable explosion of emotion on my part, I now have alternatives. I am learning to make amends where they need to be made. I am learning about healthy boundaries in all my affairs. I am much more likely to speak up when it is warranted. I am getting better at explaining what my needs are, so that I don’t have to find passive-aggressive ways to meet them. I have resolved some conflicts that I used to carry in secret, always trying to find a way to avoid conflict of any kind. Because I am better at honoring boundaries, I can simply live and let live.
I have spoken my own truth in meetings. I have expressed shame, fear, and guilt and discovered how to use the Steps to identify and overcome some of my sources of distress. I believe I have become a better friend, spouse, parent and grandparent, and co-worker. I understand that this is all part of a life-long commitment. I also know that because we share so much in common, I will always find understanding and acceptance in the rooms. What a gift. Thank you, Rose, for your wisdom and especially your persistence!