Lynn Murphy Mark
01/30/2022
As a child I was not allowed to express any emotions. I was to be seen and not heard. My role models for emotional expression were my parents, and they spent a fair amount of time drinking and arguing with each other. I was terrified during those loud exchanges and didn’t know what to do but find a place to hide until it got quiet again. I remember smarting off to my mom once and getting a slap across the face for it. I grew up a little afraid of her and a little confused about my Pop and his drinking behavior. So, what I observed was the main adults in my life losing control of their emotions and yelling at each other. I did not want to emulate that. I learned to keep very quiet and under the radar.
I ask myself a question: what I do when I feel strong emotions like sadness, frustration, joy? I go through most days not feeling strongly about much of anything. However, when sad things happen – like the recent experience of putting Minnie, our dog, to sleep – I weep and I feel the sorrow deep in my body. I lose my appetite, I want to be alone and not have to answer to anyone. I just want to soak in my sadness until it starts to wear off. With grief, though, I can be sad, then not, then a wave of sadness will wash over me. This pattern repeats itself for days.
When I’m really frustrated, anger is my main emotion. Either anger at myself because I can’t accomplish what I need to, or anger at another who might be in the way of my goal. I have a tendency to let things pile up in me until I explode. That is an immature response and it catches me and others by surprise. Often it stops the flow of communication that might resolve my distress. It is not healthy and I am learning to moderate my response when I feel angry.
Joy. Now, joy I love. I don’t feel it all that often, but when it arrives I appreciate that uplifted, happy feeling, that anticipation of a good time coming, of love flowing between me and another, of a happy occasion about to take place. Joy may be one of the most valuable emotions of all because it opens me to the flow of the Universe and all its possibilities. It is an important signal that what brings me joy deserves my attention and makes my life that much richer.
What have I done in the past to avoid my feelings? That’s simple. I overeat amd I numb out. I still do that on occasion, because I’m afraid of feeling anger or sorrow, afraid that it will bring on an episode of depression. I know that isn’t logical, and I’m not recommending it as a coping tool. I like to feel happy and joyful – who doesn’t? But the reverse of that makes me very uncomfortable in my own skin. Overeating soothes me on a very temporary basis.
Is love an emotion? Or a state of being? I have been really in love at least four times in my life. Two men and two women – Both men were named Richard, then came Peggy, then Jan. Really, being in love is an awesome, rollercoaster feeling to me. It has been a time when my creativity was heightened – when I was in love with Peggy I would sit at the keyboard and compose simple tunes about what I felt. When it was Jan, I wrote poetry that wasn’t all bad. I felt so strongly about being in love that a storehouse of creativity was unlocked. It was so intense it almost frightened me.
Learning to really feel my emotions has taken me most of my life. But I no longer deny them access to my soul and psyche. I highly recommend welcoming them in.