Note: This blog is controversial for its subject matter. It is also a very painful and personal memory. I post it because I want to add my voice to those who have had to make this decision. I also want to express my distress at the direction that judicial systems are following in attacking women’s reproductive rights.
When I was 22 and halfway through nursing school I got pregnant. The father was unfaithful and we had just broken off our relationship when the test came back positive.
I knew that my nursing school would not tolerate a pregnant student. I could not go home because my mother had her hands full with my father who had full blown dementia from years of drinking. I could not depend on the baby’s father for support – I knew he was unemployed with no prospects. I felt trapped, with no good way out.
The year was 1972. Missouri did not have any abortion clinics but I went to a reproductive services facility for help and direction. I saw a counselor who explained that I would have to go to New York City if I wanted an abortion. At that point I decided this was the best option so that I could continue my nursing training, be able to support myself, and not be a burden on my mother. This decision was the most painful one I have ever made. When I hear other women’s stories about similar circumstances I do not judge them. No one comes to this place without significant inner turmoil, doubt, and anguish.
So I decided to travel to New York City. I had saved up some money from working as a nurses’ aide. I had a friend with an apartment in NYC who said I could stay with her.
School was on the verge of a brief summer break and my mom was expecting me home as soon as the break started. I had to lie to her and tell her I was taking an intensive class and would be home three days after vacation started.
I got on a plane to New York. I don’t remember how I got to the clinic. I just remember being on a cold table with my feet in stirrups. The staff was distant and I wondered if they believed in what they were doing. They gave me something to relax me, and my memory of the experience is cloudy. My friend was there with me. When it was over we took the subway to her apartment. I remember being in a fair amount of pain. I had been given a supply of antibiotics to take and nothing else.
Part of me was relieved that it was over. Part of me grieved deeply for what I had done. That part still lives in me today, almost 50 years later. I knew that I would be going home in a couple of days and I had to prepare myself to see my mother. I did not intend to tell her, and I never did. She would have been heartbroken over my decision.
When I got home, my mom told me that she had scheduled me to have my wisdom teeth removed the next day. I panicked, wondering how that would go. I knew I would be getting some kind of sedation and I was desperately afraid that I would talk about what I had done while I was sedated.
I couldn’t come up with a reason to re-schedule the dental procedure so in we went. I had not slept the night before and my stomach was in knots. I got in the chair and was given an injection of some sedative and nitrous oxide gas as well. One minute I was awake, the next minute I became conscious of someone weeping loudly. I wanted to get up and help that person until I realized that the sobbing was coming from me. The procedure was over. I had no idea if I had spoken aloud that I had an abortion three days before my dental work. There was nothing I could do about it if I had. As I went out into the waiting room, my mom did not seem distressed in any way. I assumed my secret was still safe. It is a secret that I have guarded carefully all these years.
Now, in 2022, fifty years later, abortion rights are threatened. What needs to be a sterile medical procedure may no longer be available to desperate women. In my opinion, abortions won’t stop no matter how stringent the law. Women will find a way, sometimes a dangerous one, that can be life threatening.
Sister Joan Chittister, a Benedictine nun, said this in 2004:
“I do not believe that just because you are opposed to abortion, that that makes you pro-life. In fact, I think in many cases, your morality is deeply lacking if all you want is a child born but not a child fed, a child educated, a child housed. And why would I think that you don’t? Because you don’t want any tax money to go there. That’s not pro-life. That’s pro-birth. We need a much broader conversation on what the morality of pro-life is.”
I couldn’t agree with her more.
2 thoughts on “This Pain Never Goes Away<br>By Lynn Murphy Mark<br>01/25/2022”
Lynn, thank you for this brave post. I’m quite sure that everyone knows someone who has had an abortion, whether or not that personal information has been shared. There are so many complicated factors that go into that difficult and private decision, and it is beyond infuriating that some people feel the need to judge.
Lynn, thank you for your courage – courage in doing what you had to do in 1972 to be true to your professional calling, and courage in sharing that story now. I do remember your sharing this with me in 1972, when we were both attending nursing school. I don’t remember how I responded then, but I hope I didn’t express judgment. If I did, I apologize sincerely. I have matured in my thinking since then, and now do not, cannot, judge any woman who seeks an abortion. When I see, in the U.S, the increasing threat to women’s freedom to control their own bodies, I feel a deep sense of dread and anger. I agree with Joan Chittister’s statement, “We need a much broader conversation on what the morality of pro-life is.”
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